7 Tips For Loving Where You Live, from the Devil

I don’t contribute content to blogs very often, but when I do, I make sure I give the very best advice I can.  I’m a helper like that.

It has come to my attention in the last hundred years or so that people don’t always  like where they live.  I think that’s normal.  So here are some tips for you to live by.  Remember, I’m the Devil, so I know what I’m talking about when it comes to everything.

Editors Note: You should probably do the opposite of what the Devil says in just about all cases.  The opinions expressed by the Devil in no way reflect the opinion of Go Wayne County or any of its staff members.

Tip from the Devil #1: Make sure you tell everyone you meet on a daily basis how much you hate (insert where you live).  Then give each person a long list of the things you hate about the place.  I’m sure they are very interested in why you hate (insert location again), which is where they live as well.  They probably don’t know why they should hate living there too and need your help.

Tip from the Devil #2:  Log on to your favorite local newspaper site and make sure you complain every time an article is posted.  They don’t care what you put up as long as it is strongly opinionated and sounds a lot like something I’d say.

Sign in anonymously so no one knows who you are.  Be as outrageous as possible, calling for things like the firing of the entire city council, for instance.  If the only thing you can come up with is something about a politician’s birth certificate, you aren’t trying nearly hard enough.

Anytime the city you live in tries to do something good for the economy or the community, immediately post (and as often as you can) why God hates the idea and about how corrupt everyone is who “runs this place.”

Tip from the Devil #3: Never try anything new.  This will be hard, but you cannot let an uppity business establishment or public park turn you into a fun-loving local who appreciates what they have.  Best to avoid GoWayneCounty.com’s event calendar at all times, unless you want to subject yourself to tempting nightlife or family events.

Tip from the Devil #4: When it is winter, make sure you are appropriately miserable and let everyone know how much you’d love to move to Florida.  If you complain enough, people might just start a collection to send you there just to get rid of you.

Tip from the Devil #5: Make bad choices.  Richmond, for instance, doesn’t have a bad rep for drug and alcohol abuse for nothing.  Losers have been working on building that rep for decades.  Don’t let their work go to waste – pitch in!  Until you are living out of garbage cans in the alleys, your work will not be done.

Always gravitate toward the losers and scum (I’ve stationed several in every community in the world) and participate in crimes with them as much as you can to make sure everyone gets the picture that this is a terrible place to live…just look at the crime stats!  (Even though crime in your area might just be average for a town your size.)

Tip from the Devil #6: Don’t pick up a hobby that involves appreciation of art, history, or architecture.  The surest path to satisfaction and local pride is picking up photography or some artistic endeavor that fulfills you and makes you appreciate where you live.  By all means NEVER start a blog about your local community!  (Unless it is to tear everyone and everything in it down publicly.)

Tip from the Devil #7: Although you should never vote, make it a point to act as if you know something about local politics while deriding any attempt by community businesses, volunteers, non-profits, and entrepreneurs to do positive things.  I know this borders on Tip #2, but it bears repeating.

It is perfectly ok to act like you hate government when you have no job and live on government assistance.  Refer to yourself as “working people” at all times.   Most others will believe you have a great job and are genuinely credible when it comes to what everyone around you is doing wrong.  Worked for Joe the Plumber, who was my client before he got too big for his britches.

If you follow these tips, and even if you are currently very proud of where you live, you will soon become yet another model of how to dislike everything about it.  You should be able to convince yourself that your new life is much better than the one you left behind.

You know, the one where you had umpteen opportunities to be happy by volunteering, trying new things, visiting different restaurants, events, and entertainment places around the county, buying local to help the local economy, and generally being a community member whose company others enjoy.